who do you look out for the moment you log onto MSN?

for me, it's 9 years.
whether intentionally or not,
I don't know, cos the group "sajc" is at the top of my msn.
(so it's kinda like, there already.)
but anyhows, I'll look out for his nick.

and next?
this particular someone.
and I know it's intentional cos I have to scroll ALL THE WAY DOWN.


mm, I have this weird habit.
when both the aforementioned people are online,
I wouldn't purposely "appear online" so there is a chance for us to talk
but rather, I just have this sense of relief.
maybe knowing that they're there, unharmed by any accidents whatsoever
gives me a sense of happiness?

or maybe I'm just deceiving myself.
afraid that they won't talk to me,
I'd rather not appear online.

my life is as screwed up as it is.
(how not to be when you know it's impossible between you and them but still hold on?)

& if you're still wondering until now,
that particular someone is not adrian.


but one thing for sure,
I really get all cracked up and happy AND delusional,
when I talk about marrying 9 years. hehe.


August 6th.